I stood in front of the mirror and hated what looked back at me: blotchy, puffy face, ridden with acne, and a non-skinny body I did not love.
I am Diya Menon, a 19-year-old* Division 1 college athlete. I’ve been playing competitive tennis since I was seven. I never gave much thought to what I ate and how I treated myself, because my motto was always “I’ll burn it off.” And I did burn it off most of the time. Little did I realize that decisions I made about my body then, would come back to bite me later.
This past April, I hit my ultimate mental low. I couldn’t bring myself to look at my face, which was scarred, red and painful from persistent acne. And I hated every single part of my body – I just wasn’t skinny enough. All I could ever think when I looked in a mirror was that I wasn’t pretty. How could a face full of acne ever look good to anyone?
The quote “comparison is the thief of joy” is so true. I just couldn’t stop comparing myself with my friends and teammates – all of them, it seemed, could eat whatever they wanted, with no side effects. Every time a person walked past me, I compared my skin to theirs, my legs to theirs, my hips to theirs. I was never happy with how I looked. Ever.
The situation seemed to be hopeless. I wasn’t aware of my portion sizing, and I had developed an awful habit of stress eating even when I wasn’t hungry. And I was incredibly unhappy. How can anyone be happy with themselves if they don’t love every single thing about themselves? And how can we accept our flaws if we tell ourselves we look ugly?
If someone had told me a year ago to listen to my body, I would’ve dismissed them. That kind of advice goes in one ear and out the other. It is when we hit a low point in our lives, that we pay attention to good advice. That point for me was last April when I decided I was sick of not loving how I felt about myself. After my team’s final regular season trip, and after my very last weepy phone call to my mom, I decided to do something. I needed something, something to lean on, something that I could do for myself, since I had no control over my skin. So, I started on Week One, Day One, of the Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guides.
Giving it all I have!
I’d had these guides for almost two years, and I’d never gotten past the second week. This time though, was different. The word ‘skinny’ wasn’t even my mind that first Monday I started. I just wanted to feel good. And I did. I don’t think I’ve ever been committed to anything like I was committed to doing those guides. I didn’t miss a single day. It was addicting – the feeling I got after each 30-minute workout gave me something to be proud of each day and I needed that. Thirty minutes – three days a week may not seem like much, but is sooooo easy to find excuses. Not this time, though. I was determined. I started to find small things I loved about myself. It was little things like this that improved my overall mood and self-perception.
I continued to do BBG until I left for vacation. I was up to week 10 (after never making it past the second week!!!!! ‘Proud’ is an understatement!) and I was feeling so good about myself. My skin was doing better too…and then I went to Hawaii and Australia. Half the joy of visiting a new place and immersing yourself in a new culture is enjoying the food. I still had a blast even though I knew I was not working out or heeding to the foods I ate. I paid the price: I gained most of the weight back and started getting acne again.
This is where I think every college kid would stop caring – but that was not me. I steeled my resolve and got back on track. This time, it wasn’t so hard! If a good habit is practiced daily, I guess it becomes easier to jump back into it.
Biking with Perth’s skyline watching me
I’m currently heading into the tail end of my sophomore year. My skin is doing so much better on Curology (a customized acne treatment). I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. Happy in every regard. These days I’m packed with tennis and school. I don’t have as much time for BBG, so I try, when I can, to squeeze in the time before my 8:30 AM class. This means waking up at 6:30 some days. It is not that bad. First of all, there is no better way to wake up than a workout, and also, ENDORPHINS!!!! I love when I get myself to workout in the mornings because it starts my day of on such a good note.
Remembering the way I felt this past spring and comparing it to the way I feel now and the life I live now, I know I will never change my lifestyle back to what it was. I never want to be in a place where I don’t love myself.
The biggest things that helped me through my rock bottom:
- Starting and committing to a good habit. Just commit to something. It doesn’t even have to be exercising. Just make yourself feel good!
- Everything in moderation – if you want the queso that bad, eat the damn queso. I know I feel the best after eating cleaner meals, so one night of eating out won’t get me hooked. The longer I suppress cravings, the more I’ll end up overeating them later on. You can’t become “skinny” after one workout, so you won’t become “fat” after a cheat meal.
- You can either be lazy and eat out almost every night (this is me sometimes, I’m shameless) or you can take the time to cook. I love making a big bowl of whatever veggies I have in my fridge and some type of protein. And practice makes perfect. A little bit of prepping at the beginning of the week really goes a long way!
- I use products with as few ingredients as possible – both in my body care and in my foods. I reject all products with unreadable ingredients. Don’t you want to know what you’re even eating? What even is disodium guanylate anyways??? It’s an ingredient in Cheez-its, if you are wondering. Bottom line: cheap food isn’t always your friend. And I don’t just mean cheap in price, but also cheap in quality.
- There is absolutely no shame in being selfish when you need to be. Cut out people you don’t want in your life. Love every single person who’s in your life. And it is good to have your go-to person. I’d be dead without mine.
- To go from hating every little thing about yourself and analyzing every single thing “wrong” with the away you look to loving just one small thing about yourself changes your entire world. Start there, with one thing, one thing to love shamelessly, even something as small and seemingly dumb as the definition in your quads, and build from there. Don’t underestimate yourself – negative self-talk is poisonous.
- It can be more expensive and time consuming to “eat healthier,” especially when you’re trading ramen (I know it tastes good but that stuff is just sodium and carbs) for real pasta and a big bowl of veggies and protein for fast food. But seriously, ask yourself – why wouldn’t I want to put the best things in my body? I’d rather pay a little more for the food I eat and the products I use, instead of paying a doctor’s medical bills!
- A consistent sleep schedule has vastly improved my mood. I no longer mind waking up early on weekends either. I try to wake up between 6:30 and 7:30 every day, and be asleep no later than midnight if I can help it. I also try and cut off my cell phone use half an hour before I sleep and try and read before bed more often.
- There’s no shame in some ‘me’ time. Be anti-social. Take some time for YOU. Don’t be or say sorry for it. Enjoy your own company more often. I find more enjoyment in reading a book with some coffee in the comfort of my own bed than at a party with a bunch of people I hardly know.
- Listen to your body. Truly listen to it – know what it loves, what it hates, what it needs more of, what it could be better without. There’s never a wrong time to start. We can always do a better job of loving ourselves more. YOUR HEALTH IS AN INVESTMENT, NOT AN EXPENSE!!!!! This is the only body you’ll ever get. Love it and treat it right. Give it what it needs.
This is what I make in my kitchen. This is what I feed my body and soul.
*20 at the time of publication of this blog
