I have observed that the week of December 28 to January 3 is a particularly testing time for those who’re battling ‘questionable’ habits and behaviours. They make resolutions.

Also, the ubiquity of social media impels them to announce to the whole, wide world that they have made these pathetic, doomed-to-failure resolutions. Why do they do it? Because they hope that making such an open commitment to doing something ridiculous – that they’ll eat healthy, give up liquor, be nice, be honest or care for their elders – will force them to actually do it.

In fact, for a whole week, they believe that they have successfully changed themselves… from a pig to a thoughtful eater, from a couch potato to a jogger, from a daily drinker to a weekend drinker, from a congenital liar to something approaching a modicum of honesty, from a selfish moron to someone who wants to wipe every tear from every eye. And so on.

Until, on the morning of the 4th of January, something inside them snaps and they wake up to a liberating realisation: that the way they were on the night of December 27th was just fine. That it was far healthier for the mind and, consequently, for the body. That they don’t need any repairs. That anybody who expects something different from them can go boil their heads.

And so, for as long as I can remember, I have not made any new year resolutions – or I only made those that I could junk inside 48 hours, without creating a physical, emotional or moral crisis for myself. I believe that I have been the happier for it. Proof: I have not been ostracised by family, friends and colleagues; nor have I made any hospital look in my direction and lick its lips and rub its hands.

I have compiled, for the sake of preserving human sanity, a short list of things that are perfectly fine and acceptable – even desirable – when they’re seen in the right perspective. When all artifice and perverse logic has been stripped away.

Facebook/Instagram Likes: They Don’t Matter. Really.

Let me tell you why you should not resolve to be ‘more active’ on Facebook and Instagram in 2018. Why you should not post indiscriminately, comment compulsively and share foolishly. Why you should not press ‘Like’ on someone’s repulsive selfie post, in the hope that they will return the favor.

The truth is, fewer than three persons from your curated list of 1,271 friends give a rat’s a** about your new hair style, your new diet, your witty meme, your new weight, your reunion selfie, your awkward pose in front of a frozen Niagara Falls, or whatever. Likes, if you haven’t noticed, lie at the bottom of the pile when it comes to approval ratings. A Like is nothing more than a casual acknowledgement that someone has glanced absent-mindedly at your post. It is almost an involuntary press of the thumb or forefinger. There’s no significance attached to a Like – or even 50 Likes.

So, stop obsessing over Likes and stop doing things that you think will get you more of them. And don’t start chasing after Wows. Because people are liars. Or they’re looking for favours from you. Or a Wow in return. Don’t give in to pressure.

 Good Behaviour: You’ll Never Become President

Stop trying to conform to someone else’s notion of how you should behave, or what constitutes good behaviour. If your parents, siblings, spouse, children and friends have accepted you warts and all, however grudgingly, the larger world better learn to do the same.

In any case, good behaviour is often misconstrued as a sign of weakness, a lack of bravery and gumption, a shameful inability to start a fight or argument that you might lose; it is seen as a debilitating unwillingness to call a spade a spade, to be fearlessly and honestly critical, to test the elasticity of a relationship, and to use the middle finger for anything other than digging inside your nose.

So, don’t worry about behaving well. Don’t interfere with the primal forces of anthropology – let loose the beast in you. What’s the worst that could happen to you? You might become President.

Values: Are You Sure They Work For You?

Moral values are notoriously contentious. The more strenuously someone professes to practice certain values, the less you believe them. Politicians, for instance. And then you start to question the value of those values. And tie yourself up in knots, buffeted by church, mosque or temple on the one side, and the reality of life on the other. Is it necessary to throw oneself into this dilemma?

I believe not. Your values are best defined by you alone. They must suit your unique outlook to life, your expectations from it, your distinctive emotional wiring, and your general game plan on how to win your battles. This may make you not conventionally honest, empathetic, loyal, reliable or civil. That’s okay, because there are millions of others like you, except that – unlike you – they’re struggling to shake off the cloak and the mask. If you were to become genuinely honest, empathetic, loyal, reliable and civil, you’d be in a freak show and a major draw.

So, don’t torture yourself. A little moral slipperiness makes you unpredictable, protects you from those who might otherwise exploit you, and keeps your mind active by forcing it to think up new ways of staying one step ahead.

Exercise & Diet: Myth & Fallacy?

And finally, we get to the most popular – and ultimately most frustrating – of all new year resolutions.

I’ll let you in on a small secret: I am a Type II, and I know that potatoes are not good for me. Yet, the one dish I perfected at the end of 2017 was Jeera Aloo (a spicy, oily, cumin-sprinkled baked potato dish). I whipped up this phenomenal dish thrice inside a fortnight, and was delighted with the results.

For some years, I have been hopping on and off the treadmill erratically, suspending it for stretches of time for no particular reason, and resuming it for no particular reason. Recently, though, I unplugged and folded up the treadmill, because someone told me that it’s bad for the knees. I’m now researching the claim. I’m happy to tell you that, despite the Jeera Aloo and lack of exercise – and the occasional peg and puff – I’m feeling just fine. Mentally alert, physically energetic.

Now here’s the dichotomy: a friend of mine runs every morning like he’s escaping from Armageddon, eats calibrated amounts of scientifically-selected foods, yet suffers from blood pressure similar to that of a water cannon. On the other hand, another friend attacks a buffet from A to Z with amazing fervour, makes repeated sorties and – between embarrassingly piled platefuls – suggests what you should try and what you must avoid. He’s 42 years old and recently signed up for a health insurance policy, after the mandatory medical check revealed him to be in the pink of health. My fork froze in mid air when I heard this.

I’m sure that you, too, have met both sorts. And wondered where the truth lies. Googling doesn’t help. Nothing and no one helps resolve the dichotomy for you. My suggestion: Let your body tell you; you don’t tell your body.

Happy 2018!

G S Shridhar, despite the absence of tattoos and piercing and long hair/shaven head, is a creative person by inclination and practice. He has spent 34+ years in advertising and marketing, and has written over 200 ad films for some of India’s largest brands.His forays into humorous writing have so far largely been confined to bloggy emails, which he sends out to a family group on Gmail. Shridhar lives in Bangalore, India.